I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
