you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
