dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
