Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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