God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
