Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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