When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
