I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
