Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
