turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
