So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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