her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
