I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
