I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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