I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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