the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
