Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
