I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just want nice things and good sex
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
