just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
sex in a hospital.. check
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
