she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
