i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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