We need to start having sex underwater more often.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You need a sexual gate keeper
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
