im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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