I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
