Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
