lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
where are my eyebrows?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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