I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
