I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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