True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think my fart just growled at me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
