my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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