dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
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