why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
