Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
