Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I need water and some morals
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
