can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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