you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The air was thick with penises
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
