It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
