So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
