john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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