I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
