Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
