So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
