I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
