No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
