I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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