someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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