my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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