i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
