She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Randomize
