I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Is it penis luge time yet?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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